Personal Faith By Jason Masters Join the discussion

This Is One of My Areas of Guilt

A short, raw confession about staying silent during the AIDS crisis and church debates while closeted, and the guilt of having hidden.

This is one of my areas of guilt coming out in my 50s. I was in my 20s when the AIDS crisis was full-on. I was supportive in the sense that I didn’t get caught up in the hate generated against gay men, particularly those with HIV/AIDS.

In my Church, when the rights of LGBTIQA+ people were being debated, I was silent for fear of having to acknowledge the real me, which I couldn’t. From a safe theoretical position, I would discuss that they should be included and have leadership positions in our denomination.

I married a woman and had children, as this was the way to manage those inner unacceptable feelings.

Once a month at communion, I would furiously pray that God would take away these feelings, but they didn’t.

In the end, my already fragile mental health collapsed, and I had to confront my reality.

Coming out 16 years after my father passed and 11 years after my mother was no longer with me.

The guilt of hiding is probably why some of my LGBTIQA+ colleagues have been concerned that I am doing too much too quickly for the LGBTIQA+ community at the risk of my own health.

So many of the benefits I have today have been obtained by those in the community who were willing to step out of the shadows.

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